Why Are Baguettes So Darn Powerful? - Vincent Yao

Oui, oui. Baguettes. We've all heard of them. Big long french breads perfect for eating and combat. The first use of the baguette is obvious; it's good for eating because it is edible. However, the second use is much more mysterious - What makes the baguette so good for self-defense?


To fully understand the mysterious properties of this french bread, we must first delve into its origins. The baguette is primarily made out of flour, baker's yeast, and salt. These three ingredients do not assume much in a fight, but once a combination of yeast and water is put on the baguette-dough to ferment the bread before it is shaped and baked in the oven, it's all over. The baguette becomes a formidable weapon with destructive power on par with that of AK47s and Railguns.


Most of the destructive potential of the baguette comes from the bread's hardness. If you've ever tried slicing a loaf of baguette with anything less than a chainsaw you will notice an influx in the number of broken knives that will end up in your garbage can.


The bread's hardness, as scientists have discovered, is the result of the interior structure of this formidable snack. Baguettes, though light and somewhat hollow, have a crispy-dry crust while simultaneously hosting a moist inside. The combination of the air and moisture inside the baguette essentially stales the bread from the inside out, which is why baguettes become rock-hard so much quicker and more effectively than other breads.


So, the next time you get in a heated argument with a stranger, just pull out a baguette and watch them instantly cower in fear. That is, assuming they don't have a baguette themselves. You never know.




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